My son, the pill popper

I'm going to come right out and say it: We have chosen to medicate Sam. Two days ago, after almost a year of behavioral therapy, after a lot of research and second opinions, and after very serious and honest communication with Sam's doctor, we started him on a stimulant. It's too soon to say how effective it will be in the long run, but so far I'm extremely encouraged.

This was not a decision that we made lightly, and it wasn't made in haste. We understand the risks, but we believe the benefits far outweigh them. It's a decision that I understand is not the right choice for everyone, but Matt and I are very clear that it's the right choice for us.

I was raised by two pharmacists, and spent a good chunk of my childhood in the back rooms of the pharmacies my parents worked in. Western medicine put food on our table, clothes on our backs, and a roof over our heads. Various family members have scrips for blood pressure medication, heart medication, insulin, birth control pills, and inhalers. I don't believe in handing out pills like candy, but neither do I discourage the proper and intended use of medications.

Nonetheless, when we finally did accept that Sam was likely ADHD - when he was 5 and before his first official diagnosis - we were adamant that we would not medicate him. Instead we would do everything in our power - diet, behavioral modification, accupressure - to keep drugs out of his tiny body. We got rid of all processed food and went to an organic, no-gluten, no-dairy, no-fun diet. We all took multivitamins and Omega-3 supplements daily. We threw the kids in the pool at every opportunity in order to burn off extra energy. These healthy lifestyle changes felt good, and had a positive impact on Sam's behavior, but our overall struggles continued. After about 6 months, we knew weren't seeing enough change to justify the increased time and cost of our new lifestyle.

By then, Sam had started kindergarten, and by the second quarter of the school year, we were hearing the familiar refrain: Sam's a bright boy, but he's a little loud/aggressive/impulsive/disruptive. By the third quarter, we were getting calls from the Principal's office that Sam had lashed out at other students. It wasn't his ADHD itself that was causing this behavior, but the ADHD was making him feel out of control and he lacked healthy coping behaviors to handle that scary feeling. His poor kindergarten teacher was a sweet young lady, just out of college and was in her first year of teaching kindergarten. I knew she liked Sam, but was at a loss as to how to handle his increasingly violent outbursts. It was an awful cycle - Sam would shout out an answer in class, he would get in trouble for it, he would get angry, he would get in more trouble - he was becoming the "bad kid" all over again, and he knew it.

And it was carrying over into our home life. Matt and/or I would get angry because Sam got in trouble - again! - at school. We would get mad at and resentful towards one another because neither one of us could control our child. We would get mad at and resentful towards Jack because - shit, sometimes it was just because the sun came up. Our family was suffering and spiraling down.

The calls from the school kept increasing, and finally we were told that we had to find someone to help Sam or he would be asked not to return to his school. It was told to us that nicely, but it was still a sharp wake up call. We couldn't sweep this under the rug anymore. And being forced to face this head on scared the living shit out of me.

We met Miss Kris in March of last year. Right away, I liked her. She was no-nonsense, but she was also kind and warm. Sammy won her over right away with his humor and intelligence, but she also saw the anger and fear he carried. And she was the one who answered the question we had carried around for the last 2 1/2 years - yes, your son has ADHD. From her, we also learned that Sam was ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder) and had high anxiety. She worked with Sam to teach him appropriate coping mechanisms and the ways to fight off Angry Monster (Sam's name for the feeling he had when he would lash out) and she taught us the behavioral therapies to use at home to further encourage healthy behaviors.

These tools were moderately successful. Sam's behavior at home was becoming more even-keeled, but at school he was still lashing out and being sent to an "alternative classroom for reflection" (First Grader-ese for "detention") on a regular basis. He was still unable to keep Angry Monster at bay.

We were all out of Hail Marys, and Miss Kris agreed. She referred us to The Melmed Center in Scottsdale. After waiting almost 3 months to get in, we sat down with a doctor for 2 1/2 hours on a Friday morning. They quantified his teachers' and our experiences with Sam. They measured his ability to focus. They talked with Sam, and then with Matt and me about the last 3 years. And they came back with the same diagnosis that Kris had: ADHD, ODD, and anxiety-type depression. They sat down with us and explained what we had already come to accept - that ADHD is a medical disorder, and just like other medical disorders, you can choose to treat it with medication.

After years of feeling like a bad mom, a terrible wife, an awful human being because I couldn't help my son; after watching my youngest become so angry I swear he was going to turn green and so sad I thought he would drown in his own tears; after trying to convince my oldest that even though we were spending so much time and energy and money on his brother, we still loved them equally; after being scared, confused, and feeling lost for most of Sam's life - the prescription that was offered to us was the best next step for our family.

The decision to medicate or not to medicate is a personal one. One size does not fit all. But I don't believe that any educated decision made with deep consideration for the possible consequences, and made in the best interest of your family, can be a bad one. The medication will not change Sam, won't turn him into a mindless zombie, and will not make him an addict. What we - his medical doctor, his counselor, his dad and I - hope is that it will help him curb his impulses, will help him focus better, and will help him take a mental time out that will give him the time to choose the proper coping mechanism.

So, actually I guess we do hope it will change Sam - and all of us, really - for the better.