"A" for effort

I'm my toughest critic. I'm always measuring myself against and comparing myself with friends, strangers, TV characters, pretty flowers - basically anyone and everything. And when you set the bar that high, you get just a TEENSY bit stressed out. So this week, I have been anxious, tense, and sick to my stomach leading up to this afternoon...

Today was Parent-Teacher Conference day. (dun, dun, DUN!)

I always feel like Parent-Teacher Conferences are the ultimate job review: Let's talk about how well you've been parenting your child so far this quarter, shall we? When the boys were younger, these were just formalities; an excuse to get out of work for an hour to look at some tissue paper collages and potato-stamp art and to talk about how nice it was to have them in class. But as Sam's ADHD behavior progressed, and as Jack got older, these conversations began to take on a little more weight.

With Jack we're constantly dealing with his lack of organizational skills and how that's negatively impacting when (or even if) he's completing his classwork and homework. He would much rather be reading a book than paying attention to a lesson. He's that kid who has his Hunger Games book hidden under his assignment, thinking he's SO clever because no one has figured out his trick. (Newsflash, Jack - I'm still scarred from getting caught by Sister Agatha in 4th grade, reading a a Disneyland guide book when I was supposed to be doing a writing assignment. That shit sticks with you.) Jack heads to Jr. High next year, and I'm scared to death of him falling behind because of these poor organizational skills and bad habits. I'm worried about how his "permanent record" will look. (Because although I'm pretty sure my boss today knows nothing about the Sister Agatha incident, I still have this unreasonable fear of the "permanent record".) 

But let's be honest here - I see his grades as a reflection of myself. If he gets a "C", that means I'm just doing an average job as his mom. God forbid his mother he should fall below average or fail. My head knows better, but as with so many other things, my heart hasn't quite figured that out. And even worse, I take that out on Jack. Jack would probably tell you I have very high expectations of him. Really, I have very high expectations of myself. My mother would probably tell you the same thing about herself and me when I was a kid, and just like I didn't get it until I was a mom, Jack won't get it until he has kids of his own.

Don't get me wrong. Jack is seriously one of the smartest people - not kids, but people - I have ever known. He knows more about the things he's passionate about, like military history and Greek mythology, than adults who hold doctorates in those areas. The kid is a sponge. And his teacher reminded us of that today. We have been very lucky with our boys' teachers in the past, but Jack's teacher this year really holds him accountable and doesn't pull punches, and she recognizes his excellence at the same time. I kinda have a parent crush on her.

Sam's conferences cause a different kind of anxiety. He doesn't get letter grades yet, so instead we talk about his skills and abilities (YAY!) and his behaviors (not so yay). Because it seems we're always meeting with his teacher at IEP meetings, I wonder a) if she's sick of seeing us, and b) what the hell else can we discuss!? My worry with Sam's conferences is that something really, really bad happened since the last note home (there wasn't, thank God) or that his ADHD behaviors are getting worse. Actually, because this is the first week of school since Sam started medication, we did have something new to talk about. It seems that so far, so good. His teacher has reported that Sam seems to be more focused in class and is not quite so temperamental this week. In fact, today Sam stayed at his desk during free time in order to complete a writing assignment - something I could not have imagined Last Week Sam doing. And so far, no whiffs of scary side effects - the fact that he titled his writing assignment "Mystery Farters 9: Lost in Space" tells me that my little boy's irreverent humor is still firmly intact. (Yes, there has been a Mystery Farters 1-8. With accompanying artwork.)

I walked away from today's conferences feeling pretty good. I feel like Jack has a game plan with his teacher as to how he's going to stay on track for the rest of the quarter and the school year, and Sam seems to be showing some promising positive changes. If this were a job review, I don't know if I would be getting a raise, but at least I get to keep my job, and it's a pretty great job to have.

I will likely never stop being too tough on myself, but if I can just learn to look at days like today as positive feedback, instead of looking at it as all the ways I haven't measured up, I would be doing myself and my kids a huge favor.

But in the meantime, I'm going to entertain myself by imagining Sister Agatha reading a Mystery Farters writing assignment...