Tuesday, April 30, 2013

The Devil's Food (and it ain't chocolate)

The hubs and I are doing a 21-day jumpstart "diet" to get our metabolisms up and running, and to get ready for bikini season. We both are all in, and truth be told we're about 4 months late for the beginning of bikini season (in Arizona, bikini season starts on January 15 and ends on January 14). The jumpstart involves eating very little complex carbs, lots of green and raw veggies, and lean protein. And avocado.

I fucking hate avocado. I DESPISE it. Just looking at it makes me gag. I haven't addressed this in therapy yet, but there is a very real chance I was attacked by a giant avocado as a child. Apparently people feel about avocados much the same way they feel about poodles or modern art - either you love them or you hate them. Let me be perfectly clear. I. Hate. Avocados.

But I'm committed to these next 21 days, and because I'm always telling my kids that you must always at least have a "No thank you bite", I have to walk the walk. So this morning, Matt chose the "best" avocado (sounds a lot like choosing the "best" form of torture to me), cut me a sliver, and chopped it nicely. (If he had mushed it up I would have been out - the texture is already disgusting. I don't need to have it look like a baby ate too much prune juice.)

I asked Matt, "What does it taste like?" He thought about it for a second and said, "I always thought heaven would taste like avocados." Liar.

I cannot emphasize enough how taking that first bite of avocado was like jumping out of an airplane. There was that much anxiety for me. To continue the analogy, eating avocado was like going skydiving - and then realizing, as soon as you jumped out the plane, that you forgot to put your parachute on.

That "fake" gagging thing that Sam does when he's eating something he doesn't want to? Yeah, I think that's legit. I did that. And I laughed at how ridiculous it was. And I took another bite. And gagged again. I got through my whole sliver, but by the end I was holding my nose and swallowing it whole. I have no idea how you avocado-lovers do it. That was the most disgusting thing I've ever done, and I have had a toddler throw up in my mouth before.

Apparently, avocado is some miracle weight-loss food. For me it's because I lost all appetite after eating it. And - shit - I have to do this 20 more times. And the reward for my bravery? A snack of raw cauliflower.

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