Dirty little secrets

I have a confession to make: I have SNMIC - Special Needs Mom Inferiority Complex. Right or wrong, I don't consider my boys' special needs to be as severe as other special needs kids', so I feel bad even calling myself a special needs mom.

But the truth is, while Jack and Sam's special needs are different from others', they're no less significant or important.I have NEVER had a special needs mom (or dad) say, Your kids JUST have ADHD or ODD. No one has ever told me My kids' needs are more special than yours. There's a real camaraderie among those of us with special needs kids. Though our challenges may be very different, we speak a similar language. And this became very apparent today when I read an article in the Huffington Post today.


The article shared 6 secrets that special needs moms have. The author never states what her daughter's condition is, and I suspect it's not by accident. She's not comparing her kid(s) to mine. We're on the same page and we have the same secrets. The secrets identified below are hers, but the experiences are mine.

1. Special needs moms are lonely. Word. Not lonely, like no one likes me and I have no friends, but rather like no one understands exactly what we go through. It's extremely isolating when you're in public and your kid is in the middle of an ODD episode and a million sets of judging eyes are staring at you and thanking God their kids don't act like that. Or worse, when some passive aggressive asshole says to someone else (but within your earshot) Geez, if I ever acted like that when I was a kid, my mother wouldn't have stood for that. Special needs moms also need to learn to bite their tongue and not punch people. (And I'm proud to say that in that case, I didn't hit anyone.) It's lonely not to go to (fill in the blank event or location) because you're afraid of what your kid may say or do, and how that will reflect on you. This is the dirty secret of special needs moms, and why we all like each other as much as we do. It's nice not to feel quite so lonely among one another.
2. Special needs moms have to work extra hard to preserve their marriages. I've said it before and I will say it again - God bless our marriage counselor. The stress of the boys' ADHD, defiance, bad grades, poor behavior - it all buried us and the weight was (and sometimes still is) unbearable. We individually felt (and many times, still feel) like awful parents. But until our counselor, we would turn ON one another instead of turning TO one another for support and comfort. She taught us our "I feel" words. I can't overstate the importance of counseling and learning to communicate well with my partner. Marriage is hard work as it is. Add in two kids with varying degrees of ADHD and ODD? I'm shocked I'm still married some days.
3. Special needs moms are not easily offended. I've written about this. It takes A LOT to offend me. A lot of time, I choose to laugh at ridiculous politically incorrect things because I don't have time or energy to get pissed off about it. I'm too busy trying not to punch someone for making some dumbass passive aggressive remark about my poor parenting. (Special needs moms may also need to learn not to hold grudges a little bit better.)
4. Special needs moms worry about their child dying. This is one area that I DO know my kids' situation is not as severe as others'. The boys' physical health is not directly impacted by their conditions. For that, I'm grateful. But sadly, I know many special needs moms who have lost their children, or who live with that constant fear over the possibility. I cannot even imagine. I don't WANT to imagine. But I do worry about how my children have been bullied because of their ADHD, and about their resulting anxiety and depression. All of these things are issues that have been tied to suicide. And that scares the living shit out of me. I will forever fight to teach my kids healthy coping skills, and to value themselves highly, but that fear is always there.
5. Special needs moms are fluent in the transforming body language of touch.  I remember when Sam was about 3, and his rages were often, and they were severe. He would punch, kick, scream, throw things, tear things up, hit himself, hit others. Words were meaningless when he would rage like that. And all I could do was hug him. Sometimes I would have to squeeze so hard that I was afraid I was hurting him. Honestly, sometimes I didn't care if I WAS hurting him. But if I hugged long enough, I would feel his muscles relax, one by one, until he was hugging back. Sam doesn't rage like that anymore, but I can still feel him relax when you hug him long and hard. It changes him. It changes me.
6. Special needs moms know to savor the gift of a child saying "I love you." Part of Sam's ODD is that he doesn't like to show affection unless it's on his terms. He generally won't say "I love you" in response to you - he has to say it to you in his own way, on his own terms. Hearing "I love you" from your kids is always special, but when I hear it from Sam I know it's real and it's because he wants to say it, and not because it's in response to something.