This year for spring break, we flew the boys to Oklahoma to spend time with my mom and my aunt and uncle on the family farm there. They spent ten days doing what my cousins and I did when we were their ages - roaming the pasture, skipping stones, taking target practice with the BB gun - and learning what it's like to be a kid in a small, rural town. This trip was the answer to our spring break quandary - my kids got to spend time with their grandmother, Matt and I got some alone time, and for those ten days we didn't have to worry about daycare accommodations. But when they returned we still had one more day off before they returned to school. What are two cheap-ass working parents to do?!
Answer: Resort to desperate measures.
Jack is twelve and has been begging for more responsibility. Sam is seven and has been begging for the opportunity to take advantage of his brother. With one fell swoop, we answered two prayers for the price of one. So today, Jack is home alone with Sam (God - just typing that is filling me with anxiety). We agreed to pay Jack $20 to watch his brother. We also agreed to pay Sam $15 to listen to his brother. (Sam seriously needs to go into sales. I realize that we were effectively blackmailed into paying that $15 to him, but he made me WANT to pay him. He's that good.)
My day looked like this:
7:37 AM - Matt leaves for work with a smile on his face. He is WAY too calm about this.
7:38 AM - Sam asks me for the third time since last night if Jack has to do anything he asks him. I tell him yes.
7:42 AM - Jack realizes what I said four minutes ago and wants clarification on what "anything" means. I tell him that as long as the police aren't called, I don't care what Sam asks - if Jack wants to get paid, he will do what Sam asks AND LIKE IT! And because I'm a good mother, I want to be fair, I ask Sam not to bound and gag his brother while playing cops and robbers.
7:54 AM - After going over all the rules for the gazillionth time - don't answer the door for strangers, no neighbor kids allowed in the house, no starting small fires just to watch them burn - and after warning my boys about the slow, painful torture I'd put them through if I called and no one answered the phone, I put on my brave face and walked out the door. Then came back in to make sure they knew where lunch was. THEN walked out the door.
8:12 AM - I call Matt to ask if we made a colossal mistake. Matt doesn't seem concerned, but I can't tell if it's because he trusts our kids, or because he needs to get off the phone. I'm going to assume Option A, because I really, really want to be able to do this again some day.
8:50 AM - I lasted a whole hour before I called the kids for the first time. Jack answered on the 5th ring and it almost goes to voicemail. I'm about to drive home just to make sure he's alive so that I can beat the bejeezus out of him. But he answers. They're alive. Playing Minecraft. I remind him to make sure they brush their teeth and get dressed for the day. Oh yeah, he says. I say a silent prayer that some day my child learns personal hygiene without having to be reminded.
9:32 AM - My phone, which I have been carrying around all morning, rings - it's Matt. I answer on the first ring. (THAT'S how you do it, Jack!) What's wrong!!?? What happened!!?? Nothing, he says. I just wanted to see how your morning was going. Gah!! Men!! Don't they know better than to be caring, thoughtful husbands when their kids are home alone!!??
10:10 AM - Phone call # 2. Jack answers on the 3rd ring. He's getting better. They haven't eaten their AM snack yet, but they're getting ready to. Still haven't brushed their teeth BUT they have gotten dressed. I decide to be happy with a small victory.
Approx. Noon - It's been a crazy busy morning at work so I haven't been able to call in almost two hours!!! My panic is full-steam ahead for phone call # 3. Fortunately, Jack answers halfway through the second ring. This overachieving will come back to bite him in the ass. He sounds annoyed when he answers. "Heeeeeey moooommmm." He sounds like a teenager, with his bored, insolent tone - they grow up so fast. Everyone's still breathing, still got all their limbs, not tied up, have eaten lunch, AND they brushed their teeth!
2:13 PM - I've backed off my diligence a little bit. So far, Jack's been a rockstar babysitter, so I allow myself another two hours before making phone call # 4. They're considering going to the park next to our house, but Sam wants to wait until the neighbor kids gone. I hear Sam in the background: "They're so CLINGY!"
4:18 PM - I call one last time before heading out. It takes Jack three rings to answer the phone, and I panic because the one-and-a-half rings rule has become my standard. I ask him what took so long to answer and he replies, "I was just letting the stranger in the house." Smart ass. I'm so proud.
4:32 PM - I call one last time - for real this time - to let Jack know I'm stopping at the grocery store before heading home.Jack says they may go to the park finally, and will leave a note if they do.
4:48 PM through 4:56 PM - I grocery shop faster than I have ever grocery shopped before.
5:17 PM - I arrive home and the garage door is wide open. I walk inside to an empty house. I panic and I'm pretty sure I hold my breath for the 40 seconds it takes me to find the note. "Mom. Went to the park. Go to the end of the street, turn right, and the park is on the right. That park." His growing grasp of sarcasm is about to make me cry tears of pride and makes me almost forget about the fact that he left the garage door wide open.
5:32 PM - Jack and Sam arrive home. There are no broken bones, they're smiling and joking with one another, and when quizzed separately, each says the other was great all day. And they seem to mean it. Could it really be this easy?
7:15 PM - Dinner has been eaten without complaint, showers have been taken without incident, and my announcement that school starts again tomorrow seems to actually excite them. I'm not entirely convinced that body snatchers didn't take my children, and I don't particularly care. I'll keep these versions. I pay the pod people their $20 and $15, and they ask when they can do this again. Worlds of possibility open up.
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I was on edge and nervous all day, and even though it turns out that I had no reason to be, I'm not sure when I'll do this again. But Jack is cheap labor and Sam is a cheap extortionist, so the potential upside to our monthly family budget is significant. I'll admit I feel irresponsible, entrusting my 12-year old son to take care of and protect his brother, but really I think I feel this way more because I just don't want to admit they're growing up so quickly. I don't want to acknowledge that they do just fine without me breathing down their necks all day long. They're supposed to NEED me, dammit!
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7:45 PM - It's time for bed, and Sammy, asks me to tuck him in. Before I do, I kiss him good night, thank him for being such a good boy today, and tell him I love him. He grabs my neck hard and squeezes. "I love you momma. I love you all the way up to God and back and back to God and back again."
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